The Road To Hell

I haven’t posted anything for a long time on this blog because, honestly, I just haven’t felt capable. These days I’m using every ounce of my energy to keep me coming into the office every day. I started this blog as somewhere for me to vent and to rant on about the way I’m feeling and my attempted recovery from depression and anxiety. More than anything I wanted it to be a positive place, where I could try to turn the negativity I feel every day into something positive. Look on the bright side kind of thing. I now realise that wasn't realistic.

I Will Honour My Worth

Something happened to me today. I got angry. Very angry. It felt good.

Why Wont You Take Me Seriously?

Image Source - https://www.pinterest.com/pin/529665606148526942/

WARNING: This may be a trigger post to some so please be advised I talk about my personal experiences at the GP and frequently mention self harm and suicide. Please don't read this if you think you may be triggered.

The other day I went back to my doctor. Near constant thoughts of death (to clarify, not a suicide plan, not hurting myself, just becoming dead somehow), stress, breakdowns and my general misery and horribly negative outlook provoked me to take action and head back to the GP.

The Less You Care....

I haven't posted anything on the blog for a little while, mostly because I had nothing to really say. I've not had a brilliant couple of weeks, its been very stressful, I've felt at the end of my tether most days but I haven't let it show, at least I don't think I have. I've been internalising a lot of things which isn't the best way to deal with it but I'm so tired of trying to explain myself to people I just cant be bothered anymore.

Maybe I'm Not Wrong...

Have you ever felt like you're always wrong? Like no matter what you say or do, it will always be the wrong thing? This seems to be a recurring theme of my life and one that's started to really REALLY bother me.

Down The Rabbit Hole

Quote From Alice In Wonderland

Do you ever have those days where you feel so completely mental that you just feel hysterical? Like you cant stand to even be in your own skin? The only way I can think to describe it to those who havent been through it is just a complete feeling of restlessness or losing control.

Just Keep Swimming

I spoke in my last post about the unhelpful thoughts that circulate in my head. I recently heard the quote above and it really stuck with me.

Don't Leave Me Alone With My Mind

I've really not been feeling good lately. I'm starting to wonder if I'm "relapsing" or if this is just the way I'm going to be forever (god please no). I've noticed, particularly over the last few days, I've been getting very angry. Angry at everything and everyone, utterly miserable in my life. Those pesky obsessive thoughts are getting more and more powerful, so much so that I feel like I'm rapidly losing what little control over myself and my emotions I thought I had regained.

The Expectations Of Others

Photo Source - Friend posted on Facebook

Sometimes I put a lot of pressure on myself. Not because of what I want, but because of what other people want. The picture above really stuck with me when I saw it because its so very true. 

Peace Is Not So Easy To Find

Image Source

Do you ever have those days where you just think see if I wasn't here, things would be so much better? I don't mean you actively think about dying (though I have to admit I sometimes do), its just not being here. Not being dead, not being somewhere else, just not being here, having everything just stop. Do you know what I mean?

Don't Be So Hard On Yourself...

Image Source

Like many first blog posts I'll start this one off by saying I wasn't sure what I wanted to do for my first blog post. I could ramble on about myself and my problems but thats not really the right tone for a first post. Though this blog is about my current mental health struggles, I want the overall tone to be hopeful. I've had some very very low days recently but I'm still here, hopeful that the next day will be better, as difficult as that is sometimes.