The Less You Care....

I haven't posted anything on the blog for a little while, mostly because I had nothing to really say. I've not had a brilliant couple of weeks, its been very stressful, I've felt at the end of my tether most days but I haven't let it show, at least I don't think I have. I've been internalising a lot of things which isn't the best way to deal with it but I'm so tired of trying to explain myself to people I just cant be bothered anymore.


I'm not one who's short on words. I often ramble uncontrollably at anyone who will give me the time of day but recently I haven't felt the need to. I started this blog as a way for me to get down all the thousands of thoughts that spin around my head, as a form of therapy, just to get my thoughts out. Over the last couple of weeks, I've noticed the number of thoughts lessening. I recognise what's happening as its happened before but just not this intensely. Part of my problem is I care too much about stuff. I've talked about this in my previous posts but I have a real issue with taking on other peoples expectations and running with them instead of my own. Recently, however, that familiar feeling has started again, where it just doesn't matter. Yes, my friends, I am currently experiencing extreme apathy, isn't that fun?

My apathy doesn't occur so that I know its happening. Its not like I wake up one day and just go oh I don't give a shit anymore, it happens slowly. I stop caring about things like personal hygiene, tidying up, my performance at work, seeing friends, trying to better myself, everything. It starts over a few days and before I know it I'm sitting here wondering just what the point in anything is because nothing helps, nothing makes a difference, no matter what my mood and my situation isn't going to improve for the foreseeable future. Imagine being 29 and feeling like your life might as well be over because there's no hope for the future? Imgaine that. Its horrific. Every waking second I am disappointed in myself, my mental illness struggles, my life, my choices, everything and I just cant seem to make it better, no matter how hard I try.

Every so often I feel like the caring about stuff gets too much, like my mind cant handle the tremendous amount of things that are going wrong or making me depressed or anxious and it just checks out. Its like the part of my brain that controls my level of interaction and my feelings just gives me a big middle finger and buggers off on holiday for a bit. It doesn't matter if I look fat, it doesn't matter if I'm spotty and haven't brushed my hair for 6 days or showered, who cares? It definitely doesn't matter if I have no money, I'm used to that shit. And my job? Forget about it, who actually cares if I show up late and leave early having done no work for 8 hours? Who cares about deadlines and reports and cleaning and feeding yourself and existing? Who gives a fuck?

At first, its pretty good, this apathy. Its so nice after suffering for months feeling far much to feel absolutely nothing. Certain things still make me anxious and worried (though I don't consciously feel it my constantly twitching leg tells another story), its brief and fleeting though, making way for the nothingness that comes with apathy. Its nice to actually not feel the crushing negative feelings that I feel every day, its nice to not sweat the small stuff, its nice to not care so much.

Although its nice at first, the feeling doesn't last. What it leaves behind is a kind of emptiness. Where before there was nothing but a swirling vortex of bad feelings, too many emotions and too much pain, there is now pretty much nothing. Don't get me wrong, I still get those thoughts where I wish I was somehow dead, I still beat myself up for being so shit at life, but its like its muffled. Like I know I should care but I just can't. This feeling I have made me think about the quote above, "The less you care the happier you'll be". I added a question mark to it as I really don't know if this is true.

When I was a teenager I said I didn't care about anything but I did. I cared about a lot of things, just not so extremely. I was confident, self assured and able to do what I knew was right, even if no one agreed with it. I had passion and was able to fight my corner clearly and not care about the repercussions of it or what anyone else's opinion was. That was great. That was freeing. That was different to apathy. With apathy, its like theres just nothing that matters. I have no opinion on anything because I simply don't care. I don't care to have arguments or debates with people about current issues (something I used to love), I don't care to argue my case, I do'nt care to point out that I'm right and someones wrong, I don't even care what's for dinner. No money? What else is new. Internet and phone cut off because you cant pay it? So what. Performing poorly in a job you know you're excellent at? I care not one jot. For me, apathy is like walking around in water in a thick fog. You cant see your way through it and all your movements are slowed, its like a horrible dream that you're unable to wake from. Its like being present in every day life but not really, like all the people you interact with are getting is a hollow shell robot programmed to act like a human but not actually being a human and present in the moment.

I don't agree that the less you care the happier you'll be. As someone who has cared too much when they shouldn't and as someone who hasn't cared at all when they should, I can tell you that neither makes me happy. I am not happy not caring. Yes, its liberating at first but it doesn't make me happy. In fact, not caring makes life seem so much more bleak than before because there really seems no alternative and in the moment of apathy, that seems fine. Its not fine, I know that but I cant communicate that to myself at the moment. Don't get me wrong, it is quite nice to have a temporary break. Its absolutely exhausting thinking the way I do all the time so the initial days of apathy are quite a pleasant break from the constant tension headaches I get. It doesn't last though. When you're depressed, sometimes its the tiniest little thing that can help get you through the day, that can make you hopeful that tomorrow will be different. When I'm feeling apathetic, there isn't a little thing, there isn't a ray of sunshine, there isn't hope. That sounds awful but the apathy stops me from really caring that things are this way. I'm apathetic about apathy so to speak.

I don't know when I'll come out of this. I have no real guidelines as to what will happen or what to do. I just know I'm tired of caring and trying for absolutely nothing. Maybe being apathetic is what I need right now. Maybe I need a while of not caring. Sometimes it just gets a bit too much and maybe this is my minds defence mechanism. Whatever it is I hope it passes soon.

Have any of you ever dealt with apathy? How do you cope? Email me at thatgirlwearingglasses@gmail.com or tweet me @glaswearinggirl

TGWG x