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The other day I went back to my doctor. Near constant thoughts of death (to clarify, not a suicide plan, not hurting myself, just becoming dead somehow), stress, breakdowns and my general misery and horribly negative outlook provoked me to take action and head back to the GP.
I told my GP I've had thoughts of how nice death would be, the increase in my panic attacks, my poor frame of mind, terrible lack of concentration, you name the symptom, I've had it and I made sure to tell my GP about it. I've had issues in the past where I feel like i'm in crisis and my GP just doesnt listen but then again i've always held something back. Part of me was slightly afraid of any ramifications that would come with being totally honest with a health care professional about my state of mind. I neednt have been worried though since they appear to not give a shit at all. I was honest about everything and I asked for help. I got told to contact a councelling service again myself, even though I had explained to the GP that making phone calls causes me to panic at the moment and my lack of motivation to see an end point means that searching out stuff myself is useless, I need an appointment given to me. I also explained that this particular councelling service had been in touch with me and kept telling me it was group therapy sessions, even after I explained that thats something I just cant do. To this my GP said I should "just try again because the website says they do individual therapy". The website says it does it? Well it must be true then since everything on the internet is true. He also put me on new antidepressants at a very low dose, lower than i've been on up to now and told me to return in a month. Upon leaving my appointment I began to consider, what do I need to do for a health professional to take my mental health issues seriously?
Its like no matter what I say I wont be taken seriously. This isnt simply a case of feeling temporarily down but still being able to function. I am rapidly losing my ability to function. I'm only still at work because i've just returned from sick leave. If I hadnt just been off for a year, Id be off now. I keep going every day because financially we cant survive if I dont get paid. This isnt just going to pass. Thoughts of death and suicide can consume me, I often wonder what it would be like to just crash my car off the side of the road. I told my GP this and yet, I still wasnt taken seriously.
Come back in a month he said. Imagine saying that to someone whos just told you theyre suicidal? A month? A lot can happen to a suicidal person in a month. What if in that month that person decided to take their own life because they cant cope and when they ask for help, they arent taken seriously? What if they go back in a month with scars on them from cutting because they couldnt see any way out due to not being helped when theyve asked for it? Is that what I need to do to be taken seriously? Hurt myself? Is that the lengths I've got to go to to get help?
Despite my thoughts being the way they are, I dont want to hurt myself. Is it only that thats stopping people listening to me? If I went in covered in horrible scars, took an overdose or did actually crash my car, would that make them listen? Just because I havent done it yet? Yet being the important word there. They dont know that I wont. Imagine sending someone away from a GP office with basically no help or advice, just stronger pills after theyve told you they dont want to live anymore? I know i'm not a healthcare professional but I really believe that all mentions of suicide, whether a person has a plan or not, should be taken as a legitimate threat and help and support needs to be given to that person.
Its very disheartening when something like this happens. I previously attended counselling and at the end of a number of sessions with them got told there was nothing else they could do. Imagine that? It was absolutely horrific to hear that as at the time that service was a lifeline to me. Its like the same things happening again. Because I dont have what my GP called a "psychotic illness", or at least they dont think I do, its like they dont know where I fit and what help I need. I feel like i'm inbetween. I need more than your typical NHS counselling service can offer but maybe a visit to the psychiatrist would be a waste of time. In the UK, your GP is your primary care giver. They are the first port of call, meant to help you with whats wrong and refer you onwards to appropriate services if needed. When this doesnt happen it leaves you with a feeling of hopelessness. Knowing that a lower dose of antidepressants probably wont help and the counselling service they keep telling you about doesnt offer what you need means that now i'm left wondering what do do from here. How can I make them realise how serious this is? How can I make them realise I need more help? I've already explicitly explained my situation and thoughts to them and asked them for it, what more can I do?
I'm really not sure how to move forward. I guess I just have to wait the month and see what happens. A month isnt even long enough for antidepressants to properly kick in so what he'll tell me in a month thats any different I dont know. Thats disheartening too, knowing that its just the same thing you'll get told. Whats the point in even going to the GP? It really makes me understand why there are so many people out there with mental health problems who suffer in silence and dont seek help. Even if you do you're not really listened to or helped so whats the point? I wish the situation was different but its not. I'm not sure what we can do to help each other and make things better when even the health care professionals dont bother their arse.
I'd be really interested in knowing if any of you have had any similar experiences and how you dealt with it. I'd love to hear from you in the comments, on twitter @glaswearinggirl or by email at thatgirlwearingglasses@gmail.com
TGWG x
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