I Will Honour My Worth

Something happened to me today. I got angry. Very angry. It felt good.


I wont go into the personal side of it but something happened this morning, I was denied something very simple and very easy and something that isnt a big deal at all. I was denied with no reason given. Up until now, if this had happened I would have shrugged my shoulders, felt dejected, annoyed and down but ultimately I wouldnt say anything and I'd just "get on with it" letting the pressure build and build until I develop an ulcer or something. Not today though. Today, it made me mad. Not mad as in annoyed, mad as in absolutely murderously livid. Outraged. Its been a long time since I've felt such a strong emotion.

Lately my emotions have been a bit all over the place but ultimately dulled, like i've been looking at them through a dirty window, they're there but I cant get to them. Today they're right here though. Front and centre. And I'm pissed off.

I'm very good at overlooking stuff. Since becoming this hollow shell of my former self I let a lot of stuff go. I allow myself to be treated in ways that, honestly, me 2 years ago would never have put up with. Whether its lazyness, exhaustion, I dont know what but I could never be bothered arguing my case. This links back to my previous post about the expectations of others. I let things go because I place my worth in others thoughts and actions. If I call someone out for their bullshit, they may abandon me and then  its as if all the thoughts I have about my worthlessness are suddenly validated. I became so beaten down, such a shell of a person that I allowed this to happen. My mental state has been so fragile and lost for the past year or so that I've let things get to an unacceptable level. I've let other people control me and think their behaviour is ok, just because I let them get away with it. I've put up with it because the annoyance at whatever happened would fade after half an hour and I'd just get on wth it because "thats just my lot in life". Well its hours later after "the event" and i'm still spitting fire.

It felt good to get angry. Do you know why? Because for the first time ever, I genuinely feel justified in my anger. I'm not talking my way out of it, I'm not justifying the other persons bullshit behaviour and convincing myself I'm the one in the wrong when I know I'm right. I'm angry, I was treated unfairly and I have every right to be fucking raging about it. Its like somethings just clicked in my brain. Im fucking angry and thats ok and I will stay angry for as long as I need to and thats ok too. So what if someones not happy with me for getting (justifiably) angry? The way i've been treated why should I care? Why is it ok for everyone else to express emotions of rage but when I do it its like a fucking atomic bombs about to hit, the fuss thats made? I'm always made to feel unreasonable. Not anymore. I can smell bullshit and its stinking.

This new found fresh emotion got me thinking about all the things I've done and let happen to me over the past year, the morals i've gone against, the things i've done that i said i'd never do (and wish I hadnt done), the way I've let myself be treated. Its not good at all. These are not things that the old TGWG would let happen. My bullshit-o-meter would have gone off and I'd have spoken my mind and stayed strong, I would've known my worth. I guess thats maybe the bit that upsets me about it. Its lilke I've forgotten I'm worth more than this.

I've decided to embrace this odd show of emotion and allow it to fuel me. To drive me to never let myself get trodden on or treated badly again because, really, I dont need to put up with it. I decided to make the following promise to myself.

I will speak my mind when I have been treated poorly and I will stick to my guns, regardless of the consequences. 

I will stop living my life for others and focus on myself. Living for other people isnt making me happy so I might as well give it a try.

I will be selfish, because after so long, I'm bloody entitled to it. 

I will not feel guilty for looking out for myself before others, sometimes you need to take care of yourself first. 

I will take control of my life. I will no longer allow those around me to control me. 

I will do what I need to do to try to get through this

I will put myself first.

I will be true to myself

I will recognise my worth and I will honour it

It will be hard. People won't be used to a new way of acting and may fight against it at first but at the end of the day, I know i'm right. As much as other people like to tell me I'm the one in the wrong, this time, the girl thats always wrong has had enough. No more. The straw has broken the camels back. Enough is enough.

Now, I know this can sound like the same old story over and over again, whats to say this is any differenet? I guess that's why I wanted to put it down here. If I dont stick to it, I have to come on here and admit it. I know it will be hard and I wont always be able to stick to it, mistakes will be made, it will be a struggle, which is ok, but as long as I dont forget the key message, thats the most important thing. I need to remember what I'm worth.

So though its a negative emotion, I'm trying to turn it in to a positive because at least i'm feeling something. I'm going to use my outrage to fuel change in my life. Although I hope my currrent level of anger lowers, I hope I remember this feeling and I hope I can use it to try to be happier.

TGWG x