Have you ever felt like you're always wrong? Like no matter what you say or do, it will always be the wrong thing? This seems to be a recurring theme of my life and one that's started to really REALLY bother me.
This is an odd post to write as i've got so much to say about it and so little at the same time. Its something I feel very strongly about though so I think its worth noting.
A lot of the time, I get told I'm wrong. Sometimes, its directly. I've done or said something and someone comes out and says "you're wrong". Most of the time, however, its more indirectly. Comments like "why would you do that" or "dont get offended by everything" are often said to me. Whilst these dont directly say I'm wrong, thats what they mean.
Theres a recurring pattern of this happening in my life. I often feel the need to apologise to someone, when in my eyes, I've not done anything wrong. I'm the one that has to be the grown up and I'm the one to make the first step, even if the other persons behaviour has been totally unacceptable. Partly because I just want the tension to end and partly because i'm just too exhausted with everything to actually fight my corner. I am ALWAYS apologising for being wrong.
This is yet another part of my personality that has changed in the past year or so. In the past, if I thought I was right, I would fight my case until I was blue in the face, no matter who I was up against.. Not any more though. Part of it I think is that the comments people make, totally innocently, have worn me down so much that I now believe them. My self esteem is at an all time low and so when someone makes even the tiniest comment, I cant deal. Of course its true, of course thats what they really think. It couldn't possibly be a joke or meant light heartedly or just a throw away comment. I'm sorry that the thoughtless arrogant comment you've made has offended me. I'm sorry you're taking your own issues out on me (clearly that's my fault as well). I'm sorry I cant understand your poorly explained story more quickly. I'm sorry you bumped in to me. Yes, I know, I'm wrong again.
In that moment, I trully believe I'm wrong. I mean come on, its so obvious, its me thats defective, its me thats broken, its me that needs to get a sense of humour. It couldnt possibly be them. It couldnt possibly be them thats wrong. It couldnt possibly be the thing they've said or the way its been said. It couldnt possibly be their actions. It couldnt possibly be them with the problem. My feelings couldnt possibly be valid could they?
Yes, they could be. In fact, they are. Why should I always be expected to be the one who bends? Why should I apologise when I've done nothing wrong? Why should I always say I'm wrong? I shouldn't and I don't need to. I've spoken before about just doing things to keep other people happy and I think this is part of it. I need to learn to be ok with the fact that if I stand up for myself, some people might not like it. I need to be ok with standing my ground and the fact that whoever i'm standing against, probably wont like it. I need to put myself first.
That's a difficult thing to do, especially when you suffer from such crippling self doubt that you think people will abandon you for expressing a contrary opinion or calling them out. It's something I need to work on a lot. I realise now that going through my life constantly feeling like i'm not doing or saying or thinking the right thing, when maybe I am, is completely intolerable to me. I will not do it. My feelings and opinions are valid. I take ownership of the fact that sometimes I take things the wrong way or I don't express myself correctly or cohesively enough or that I get offended when maybe I shouldn't. Thats up to me to address that. Its also up to the other people to take ownership of the fact that the way they speak or act, actually isn't that great. You can't force people to take ownership and admit that maybe their behaviour isn't brilliant. What you can do is adjust your attitude to it. Just because someone thinks something i've done isnt the right thing DOES NOT mean its the wrong thing. Maybe its the right thing for me, maybe its the way I was feeling at the time, maybe they should recognise the part they've played in my feeling this way. I suppose its also about recognising that some people are so arrogant that they couldnt possibly conceive of them being wrong and so will never accept responsibility and will never apologise. These people are never going to be more understanding, they're never going to admit you're right and they're wrong. Its a waste of time to try. These people are dicks and we should just leave them to be dickish together.
So am I wrong? Sometimes yes, but not always. Sometimes I overreact, sometimes I dont know if I'm reacting correctly or doing the right thing. I'm not perfect and neither's anyone else and if they're that deluded that they think their behaviour is so perfect, maybe its them that should be speaking to a counsellor. Maybe, instead of apologising for nothing, what I should say is, I'm sorry you think I'm wrong and I'm also sorry you're an asshole.
TGWG x
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