I spoke in my last post about the unhelpful thoughts that circulate in my head. I recently heard the quote above and it really stuck with me.
I think its super easy to come down on yourself about all the bad things in life, all the things we hate about ourselves or the world and how useless and pointless we can feel in it. What's not easy is to be kind to yourself. I'm constantly berating myself for not trying hard enough, when the fact is, feeling the way I do every day, just by being here, I'm trying pretty fucking hard. Whether it looks like it or not, if you know someone who suffers from depression, even if they're laughing and smiling with you, appearing to go about their day, they're probably doing so through a huge amount of pain. Pain that they maybe can't explain and are dealing with every second of every day no matter how good things appear to be. But they're here, they're still going and they're still fighting, every second, against the monsters in their heads that tell them just to lie down and give up. This is something that, from personal experience, those who haven't been in the depths of depression struggle to understand.
My personal experience has shown me that I never feel like I've put enough effort in, that things being rubbish is through my lack of trying. When in fact, its not. I try every single damn day just to exist. I've said before, I'm not really living at the moment, I'm purely existing, something that I'm not ok with at all but struggling to fix. I come down hard on myself about that but, maybe, for the moment, I should ease up on myself and recognise that I'm trying.
My first blog post was about not being hard on yourself. Its very difficult sometimes to practice what you preach. It seems such a simple thing but its difficult to remember. Maybe I don't need all the answers on how to "fix" things, maybe I don't need to be ok right now, maybe what I need to do is remember I'm trying my best, even if other people might not think so. I know I'm trying. If I wasn't...well....lets not go down that road eh?
I tend to put too much stock in other peoples opinions of me. I never used to be like that. Not even in the slightest. I was so self assured and confident that it didn't matter to me what anyone thought, other than my parents. Its a different story now. I need to learn to be ok with people not being ok with me. Its ok for the people around me not to understand, its ok for them to think i'm not trying, because I know that I am. I forget that though. When things that aren't difficult to others become difficult to you, you tend to (or at least I do) think of yourself as defective, pathetic, because simple tasks aren't so simple anymore. Maybe this isn't the right way to look at it. Maybe the focus should be on the fact that despite how difficult you find it and despite how easy "just living" is to others, its not to you, yet you're still trying and that's a wonderful thing. That shows courage, that shows strength and above all it shows a determination not to let the monsters win and take what's most valuable, your life. It's ok if those around you don't get it because even in spite of that, you're still trying every single day, to live a happy authentic life.
It might not seem like much but I think its an important thing to remember. So what if you find it hard to get up out of bed and wash yourself? So what if you cant speak to other people easily? Who cares if other people don't understand the effort it takes just to exist? Maybe that's ok because you know, you really are trying, you might feel like its not working, but you're still doing it and that's something to be proud of.
I think there are some aspects of depression or anxiety or whatever your going through that the people around you just won't understand, especially if they've never felt it themselves. This can make you feel super lonely and super unhappy because you feel misjudged, if only they knew how hard it was then they'd ease up a little. Its a difficult thing to learn not to put all of your self worth into other people, especially as, personally, when I'm in the thick of it, I seem to want, no, need, the approval of others. The reality is, I don't need it, and neither do you.
When every day seems like an endless shit storm, having someone insinuate you're not trying hard enough is like a kick in the crotch from Andre The Giant. Not a good time. Its very easy and, I think, the natural thing to do when you're in a poor state of mind, to focus on that one negative comment or negative look or negative reaction. Fuck that. Why should my worth be defined by others opinions? Why can't I be proud of the little things that i've accomplished? After all, when you've not showered in a month because you just couldn't face it and you finally take that shower, that's progress, that's an improvement, that's showing you're not giving up, you've still got some fight in you.
When you feel like theres no light at the end of the tunnel and like it would be a welcome release to just disappear, continuing to wake up and go on breathing, blinking, walking, sleeping, whatever it is you're doing, is a massive accomplishment. It's all relative. I need to try to remember that.
TGWG x
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