The Expectations Of Others

Photo Source - Friend posted on Facebook

Sometimes I put a lot of pressure on myself. Not because of what I want, but because of what other people want. The picture above really stuck with me when I saw it because its so very true. 


The last thing I ever want to do is upset or disappoint anyone. In fact, I can honestly say that (with a few exceptions in the last year) I have always put other peoples happiness and expectations before my own, whether that be by having a set of "approved opinions", calling family every day (despite pushing 30 years old and not always having the time - I often put myself out or cause myself stress to do this just to keep them happy),  doing the university course that was expected of me (I hated every second of my university experience, despite two suicide attempts in as many years, I completed my degree with honours, if that doesn't show determination not to disappoint I don't know what will), agreeing to do things I don't want to do (I do this every single damn day) or taking on a job I have absolutely no interest in, just because its not minimum wage and fits into others ideals of what my life should be.

I'm a yes person when it comes to everyone but myself. I hate to say no, I hate to disappoint. Perhaps this could be down to the fact that I know what it feels like to feel so totally worthless and disappointed that I never want anyone else to feel like that or maybe its down to deep rooted self esteem issues that I haven't dealt with yet.

I place a lot of my worth in keeping others happy. If someone is annoyed at me or upset at me, even if I know I've not done anything wrong, I always apologise. If someone close to me speaks badly to me and we argue, I'll apologise for it, even when I've done nothing to apologise for. Its a total self defence mechanism to try to desperately make the person I'm dealing with approve of my actions and therefore, in my head, stick by me, support me and love me. Does anyone else do that?

I often ask myself if its worth it. You see, this seems to be an uncontrollable feature of mine, making others happy before myself. Normally I wouldnt consider this a bad thing but I've caused myself an insurmountable amount of anguish, anxiety, tears and misery over the past year putting others before myself. I've kept my opinion to myself when I shouldn't have, I've put myself under great strain trying to keep it all together by saying nothings wrong (my immediate family do not know about my diagnosis, I was too scared, and I still am, to tell them, but thats a story for another day), I've let people speak to me in unacceptable ways, all because I didn't want to upset anyone with my words or actions. That then leads me to ask, but what about my feelings? Some of the events in the past year, the people involved gave and are giving no second thought to how I may feel about a situation. So therefore I have to ask, if that luxury isn't afforded to me, why do I keep doing it?

Am I a better person than them? No, I don't think that for a second. Is their happiness worth more than my own? No, everyones' happiness should be worth an equal amount. So why? I have no idea but its something I'd like to change.

Over the past year, I have made small steps to try to speak my mind and be honest and every time (particularly with my family) its met with resentment and unintentionally cruel comments. They don't mean to be that way, in fact I have a wonderful family, they've given me so much love all my life (something that adds to the guilt of all this). Its just they have certain ideas that are set in stone about how i'm meant to behave and on the rare occasion where I haven't fit into that box, its met with mass amounts of hostility. I know what you're thinking, but you're a grown up, you said you're pushing 30, this is ridiculous, be your own person and who cares about anyone else?

I do, and that's part of the problem. I think you can care too much. When I was a teenager I didn't care what anyone thought of me, I told people exactly what I thought and fuck them if they don't like it I don't need them. Now its such a different story. My mental state is so vulnerable, I crave that approval, I feel like I need it to survive because without it comes rejection and that's just another stress I can live without. Who cares if i'm miserable as long as no one comments or has a go at me about anything then who gives a fuck?

I can tell you that as of right now I do. I give a fuck. I give many fucks in fact. Its a sad fact that many people who have depression and anxiety seek out the approval of others. I think this is down to the fact that we crave the support, we want to know that people are sticking with us so that when things get really bad, they wont turn us away. Putting others needs before our own is one behaviour we can control when it feels like you're rapidly losing control. Im starting to realise though that maybe it just isn't worth it. As selfish as it sounds why shouldn't my happiness come first? Why cant I be selfish for a little while?

Its impossible to live a life led by others expectations. You can do it for a while, I have done, but I've found it inevitably leads down a murky road. Its difficult to change a lifetime of behaviour but I'm trying. I'm trying to be more assertive, more outspoken, to be quite frank, more like the old me, I miss her.

Depression can make you feel like everything about yourself you once knew and liked is disappearing. I've been left an anxious, worried, downtrodden mess of a person when I used to be happy, free, outspoken and determined to stick up for myself. I need to get that back. I also need to come to terms with the fact that not everyone is going to like it. Taking small steps to be my own individual, proud, assertive person is going to ruffle feathers. Its a departure from the hollow person those around me have come to know. And people don't like change. Maybe that's ok though. Maybe the priority right now doesn't need to be to have everyone around me happy with me and support me. I need to support myself. I need to be strong, not for other people, but for me, because my life and my happiness are worth it. 

Does anyone else feel like this? How have you worked your way out from under the pressure of making others happy and others expectations? You can tweet me @glaswearinggirl or email me at thatgirlwearingglasses@gmail.com

TGWG x