One of the (many) catch 22's with depression and anxiety is that you dont want to do anything, you lose interest and often the ability to carry on like a normal person and find things to fill up your time and your day. However, its in these times, where I'm bored (self inflicted as I cant actually face doing anything) or finding it hard to concentrate and do things I'm meant to do, that the horrible thoughts take over and become all I can focus on. Even though I KNOW thats not healthy and I KNOW that I should find something to take my focus but at that time, no matter what I do, even if I try to focus on something else, it doesnt matter. All I can think about is the horrible thoughts circulating in my head, I'm useless, I'm miserable, I'm insecure in every area of my life, I'm not worth it, why would he want to marry me? Why would anyone want to be around me? I cant even live like a normal person, I'll never get to do what I trully want to because we could never afford it, i'm stuck in this stupid job I hate with no other option, my parents will be so disappointed if they ever knew the truth, nothing ever works, it all breaks, my friends hate me, why cant i just go out like a normal person and see people? Why do I let the moods of others affect me so much? Why cant I handle life? Why isnt all the effort I put in making a difference? Is it even worth it? I'm totally replaceable, would anyone even care if I wasnt here? Why aren't I happy? When will the misery end? Why cant I appreciate all of my blessings? and so on and so forth.
Its not logical, but I don't believe mental illness ever is. I know, logically, that the things I think are ridiculous. Much like Samantha Jones, I have a sexy young man who loves to fuck me and I'm fabulous. Of course people would care if I died. Of course I'm good enough. Of course its worth it. That logic, however, doesnt matter when you're in the thick of it. When you cant see the woods for the trees, all logical thought goes out the window
These thoughts don't go away. I'm currently re-entering what I call my "avoidance" stage. Where I avoid actively doing anything at all, work my boss gives me, speaking to people (even best friends), even simple things like showering and cleaning the house. I avoid it all, regardless of what the ramifications of that may be. It doesnt matter. All that matters are these thoughts. Whats the point in working if I'm not really living, I'm just existing? Might as well just show up and get paid but not bother doing anything, who really cares anyway? Whats the point in cleaning the house? It'll just get messed up instantly again. Why would I bother making myself look nice? Its not like it makes that much of a difference anyway. All of these questions (and more) are backed up by my obsessively negative thoughts.
This is why its dangerous to be alone with your mind for too long, if, you're like me. These thoughts often occur when I'm at work or by myself or if my fiance is in a bad mood (which he's perfectly entitled to be in, I just let his mood, which has nothing to do with me, affect me too much) and I have no-one to talk to or even just sit and feel connected with. I really believe I shouldnt be alone with my mind because it goes to places that it shouldn't.
When I feel supported, thats when things get quieter. Even just sitting with someone, having someone listen to my insane ramblings and tell me itll be ok (even if its a lie) can make all the difference. People dont realise the impact they can have by just being there. I'm not looking for someone to solve all my problems, thats up to me but just having someone with me, even when I cant stand to be around people, helps to quiet my mind. The thoughts are still there, but its like someones pushed the mute button on the TV. I can see them there but I cant hear them, they cant reach the front of my mind.
I often wish there was a pill I could take that would shut off my mind. People often tell me I need to focus on something else (duh) and relax (if one more person tells me to "just relax" I swear I'll lose it). The question is not what I "should" do, I know what needs to be done, but its how do you do that? When your mind is constantly obsessing over the negative, how do you shut it up? Your own mind is the one thing you can never trully escape from, no matter what you do (and believe me, I've tried everything, and I mean that). Its always there. I'm still trying to figure that one out.
I guess what I'm learning with this is that its a constantly evolving journey. When I feel i've made improvements, it comes back and rears its ugly head. I need to learn to cope and be ok with that. Its something that happens when you're "unwell" like I am. I guess the bit that matters isnt that these thoughts are becoming more and more frequent and powerful, its that I'm still here and hopeful that one day I can make it better.
I'm trying to remain hopeful, even in the darkest of times when I just want to go outside and lie down in the middle of the road to see what would happen. I'm hopeful that one day I'll have this down, I'll be able to get my mind to do what I tell so many people to do (in my head) and shut the fuck up. Now wouldn't that be nice?
I'd love to hear if anyone reading this has ever felt like this. Feeling this way and having these thoughts can be very isolating so I would love to know if any of you feel the same. You can leave a comment, tweet me @glaswearinggirl or email me at thatgirlwearingglasses@gmail.com
TGWG x
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