Peace Is Not So Easy To Find

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Do you ever have those days where you just think see if I wasn't here, things would be so much better? I don't mean you actively think about dying (though I have to admit I sometimes do), its just not being here. Not being dead, not being somewhere else, just not being here, having everything just stop. Do you know what I mean?


I haven't shared this with anyone, not my fiance, not my friends, not my doctor, no one. Because I know how it sounds. It sounds like I want to kill myself. Which isn't actually true. Sometimes I wish I was dead but I don't want to actually take that step because really I don't want to die, I just want everything that's going on in my life to stop. Just have a bit of peace you know? What conundrum.

I remember watching an episode of 30 Rock and Liz Lemon says that she believes all people really want in life is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich. That's kind of how I feel. Just to find peace with a sandwich. It sounds like such a little thing but getting 5 minutes peace, not just from people, but from my brain, from myself, would be fantastic.

Thoughts of not being here often consume me. I don't want to die, at least I don't think I do, I just want a bit of peace. I want my brain to stop over analysing, worrying, thinking negatively, imagining horrible situations over and over again, its enough to drive you insane. How nice would it be if we had a mute button for our brains?

The odd time when I've tried to explain the way I feel and the constantly circling all consuming negative thoughts its like talking to a brick wall. "You need to relax", "just take some deep breaths" and "you need to calm down" are all things that have been said to me when I've been trying to explain myself. I need to relax? Really? No shit Sherlock, I didn't know that. How helpful of you. Deep breaths? I've thought of that one and i've tried it but no matter how many deep breaths I take the obsessive negative thoughts still circle in my head, that's no help at all. I need to calm down. I have two words for you and the second one is off. If I could do any of those things, I very possibly wouldn't feel the way I do.

On days where these thoughts consume me, its all I can think about. It makes everything seem pointless. Why am I here working in this job when all my money just goes? I'm not living anyway, so whats the point? Why would I bother tidying up? Whats the point in doing the washing? Why do I have to speak to other people and solve their problems when its a struggle just to put one foot in front of the other. Its honestly something I struggle with 5-6 days out of 7. And I dont know how to stop it. I cant stop the thoughts. How do you turn your brain off? Even for 5 minutes? Sometimes it feels like there are 50 browser tabs open in my brain and theres a virus in there that keeps making pop ups and I cant stop it.

The point to focus on I suppose is that I'm still here, each day, despite these thoughts and obsessive thinking. Though during the week i'm pretty constantly on the verge of hysterical tears (most days I cry in the toilets at work, in fact its a successful day when I don't), I'm still here. Still trying desperately to get through it and still making it and that has to say something doesn't it?

Does anyone else out there get this even at all? How do you find yourself able to carry on with every day tasks? If you have any insight and don't want to leave a comment I'd love to chat on twitter @glaswearinggirl or email

TGWG x