Last Night I Wrote A Suicide Note...

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Last night I wrote a suicide note. I haven't blogged in a while. This is entirely down to my extremely poor state of mind. Every day I feel like i'm going to lose it. I'm just so unhappy. Everything is difficult and draining and heartbreaking and, if this is life, its just not worth the struggle. People keep saying that to me if I complain about stuff, "but thats just life". Seriously? If this is just life, count me out.

I'm in crisis. I have been for a while. I havent told anyone though. In fact, no, thats a lie, I tried to tell my fiance and he ended up shouting at me to go to the doctors. It was awful. His behaviour has been so awful at times recently I really feel like I cant tell him anything, especially when i'm struggling. Its like my struggling is an annoyance to him but when he struggles (he has bipolar) its a different story. I fear my relationship is falling apart. Theres only so long you can put up with what you perceive as bullshit behaviour for without saying something. I swallow it down. I never say what bothers me because im afraid of the reaction i'll get. I never grew up in a house where people shout, my parents arent like that. He shouts. I've never, NEVER been shouted at in my life until I met him. That in turn just makes me keep everything bottled in until I feel absolutely mental and like I could just crash my car on the way home. In fact, the only reason I havent just crashed my car is because I couldnt be guaranteed it would kill me and dealing with all that bullshit in addition to the bullshit I already deal with is a no go.

My jobs still making me miserable. This cant be life. Like really? miserable all the time, unappreciated, working above my pay grade to no thanks. Fuck off. Just fuck off. Everyone needs to just fuck off.

I just want it to stop. Everything. I said in my last post that the reason I want to die is so it ends. Thats still true but I feel it even more strongly than before. I just dont want anyone to look or speak to me or try to contact me. I just want to be left to fade away into the darkness. To just go, an OD or hanging or something. I've even found myself googling the most effective suicide methods. Something I havent done before.

I havent been to the doctors. They dont take me seriously anyway and I dont even really believe that depression and GAD are my only diagnoses anymore. I fit the bill for every symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder. Hate to self diagnose but thats what I've read anyway. Plus, my doctors has this stupid system where you cant book appointments in advance, just on the day. Well that might work for all the unemployed benefits scroungers that live around me but I work and I cant do that. Its seriously a massive effort just to get up and exist every day so I cant deal with havin to fight to get a doctors appointment.  So no visit to the doctor for me. Wouldnt be any point anyway. Useless.

I just want to die. I just want this pain and worry and pressure and anxiety and hopelessness to stop. I can no longer justify existing. I think thats why I wrote the note. Partly to get down my thoughts on how shit and hopeless everything is and partly....I dont really know why. I dont have a definite plan to kill myself though I had a panic attack on the way to work today, sat at a bus stop for a bit to calm down and genuinely looked at the trees and wondered if my jackets cord would be strong enough to use to hang myself from one of the branches. This is the first time Ive legitimately felt like that and actually kind of formed some sort of thought or plan to kill myself.

10 years ago i attempted suicide by strangulation. I attempted to strangle myself using my dressing gowns cord on the radiator in the bathroom of my room in University halls. I wasnt successful. The people I lived with stopped me. It was bad for a while but then that changed. I felt better about life. Then it changed again and I wanted to die again. I never tried it again but god I wanted to. My mental health got so bad my mum moved in with me to my flat at uni (i lived by myself 2.5 hours away from home). My mum saved my life by doing that.

Maybe thats why I keep finding myself wishing I could go back to stay with my mum and dad for a while, because really deep down I want to survive. If it wasnt for my little dog, I'd probably have more of a set plan in place but my love for her stops me.

I just dont know how to move forward. I'm thinking about calling in sick to work tomorrow and trying to get an emergency appointment with the GP although that will probably leave me even more disappointed and anxious. I dont want to go. I dont want them to section me. I'm afraid to be honest with the GP because thats what I think will happen and thats one of my biggest fears, losing control and having other people involved too deeply in my life. Especially right now when every solution anyone offers seems pointless. Like theyre not understanding the truth of how hopeless and fucked the situation is.

This is nonsensical and rambling but I dont care. It just shows my state of mind even more accurately.

Better go now. Just got to count down the seconds until the miserable working day is over and I can go home to (hopefully) slightly less misery.

Anyway. Hopefully see you later. If not, take better care of yourself that I have.

TGWG x

Tired of Everything

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I dont know about you but I'm fucking tired. I'm so exhausted of life I just wish itd be over. I really honestly dont see anything positive in my life at all. I hate it so much. Almost every aspect of it. Recently I've been wishing I could move back home with my parents just to feel taken care of for a bit because I sure as hell dont feel that way now. I'm just tired of going on. Life is too exhausting. Its too hard, hopeless and miserable. Everything is just shit and I know its not just me. Its literally like my body is starting to physically reject how hard life is.

I just honestly cant be arsed anymore. When you know for a fact that you cant fix your problems then honestly whats the point in continuing. This isnt a suicide note (though if death were just to happen it wouldnt be a bad thing). I'm just fucking exhausted of trying. Like really? this is life? its this shit and hard and awful for everyone? Why does anyone keep living if thats the case. I really wish I was dead. I know people say that if someone kills themself, they never get that relief they're looking for as they're dead and so cant feel anything. Thats the point though. The nothingness. Everything stops. It ends abruptly and you arent even conscious of it and for someone whos every waking second feels like torture, that is exactly what they want. Nothing. I want the nothing. I want everyone and everyhting to stop. I honestly dont know how much longer I can sustain this for without another major psychotic break (I had one in May 2014 that resulted in being off work for over a year). Every day I have to try to live. Try to be happy, try to just get up in the morning. Nothing is effortless. Living isnt effortless. I cannot be arsed trying anymore, its too hard and quite frankly if this is life, just not worth the effort. I'm just so tired.

The Road To Hell

I haven’t posted anything for a long time on this blog because, honestly, I just haven’t felt capable. These days I’m using every ounce of my energy to keep me coming into the office every day. I started this blog as somewhere for me to vent and to rant on about the way I’m feeling and my attempted recovery from depression and anxiety. More than anything I wanted it to be a positive place, where I could try to turn the negativity I feel every day into something positive. Look on the bright side kind of thing. I now realise that wasn't realistic.

I Will Honour My Worth

Something happened to me today. I got angry. Very angry. It felt good.

Why Wont You Take Me Seriously?

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WARNING: This may be a trigger post to some so please be advised I talk about my personal experiences at the GP and frequently mention self harm and suicide. Please don't read this if you think you may be triggered.

The other day I went back to my doctor. Near constant thoughts of death (to clarify, not a suicide plan, not hurting myself, just becoming dead somehow), stress, breakdowns and my general misery and horribly negative outlook provoked me to take action and head back to the GP.

The Less You Care....

I haven't posted anything on the blog for a little while, mostly because I had nothing to really say. I've not had a brilliant couple of weeks, its been very stressful, I've felt at the end of my tether most days but I haven't let it show, at least I don't think I have. I've been internalising a lot of things which isn't the best way to deal with it but I'm so tired of trying to explain myself to people I just cant be bothered anymore.

Maybe I'm Not Wrong...

Have you ever felt like you're always wrong? Like no matter what you say or do, it will always be the wrong thing? This seems to be a recurring theme of my life and one that's started to really REALLY bother me.